Bad blogger

I know, I know, I have been a shocker of late! My apologies for the lack of posts since mid April, I appreciate how much you all look forward to my witty tales. Something had to give. On my list of priorities, it was ‘internet time’ which got booted into to last spot. No blogging, facebook, cheeky MSN conversations, nudda, nuffin. Yip, sad indeedy.

Let me take a step back here and explain. Things at work are nuts and as a result I have found myself spending an unnatural amount of time in my office. The only sun I see these days is the radiation off my 19’’ LCD computer screen. You know that things are getting out of hand when you realise that your eyeballs are starting to float because you haven’t gone to the loo since 6.30 that morning.

Hopefully things will start easing off in the near future so that I can get on with the things that my company really doesn’t pay me to do. Things like blogging for example …

The Ultimate Survivors

A public service announcement:

Please hold thumbs and sent some good wishes out to my Dad who has been asked to attend an audition in Durban today for a spot on the second Survivor South Africa. After all, this could be my inheritance we are talking about ;o)

Also, be a pal and vote for a mate of the family's by clicking on this link. Gavin Nesbitt has been chosen by people magzine to appear on their website as a possible viewers choice. The person who collects the most votes will be put towards a selection committee to further their chances of going to island. His voting number is 36.

Thanx chinas.

And the tattiness?

Have plenty of news and some foties from the past 10 days or so including our antics (and there were plenty of those) over the Easter weekend. I also have enough work to get through in the next 72 hours to sink a small island somewhere off the coast of Guatemala. Given that my salary gets paid to me on the proviso that I complete certain deliverables each month, I need to get some work done before I devote time to creating a witty and amusing recant of our latest escapades.

Watch this space …

March stats

Crap, its the end of March already

* 2 minutes knocked off my 5km time trial time
* 0 kilograms lost
* 1 Sunday lunch at The Park Hyatt
* 48 hours of tears
* 0 engagements, weddings or babies (its been a quiet month)
* 13 hours, at least, spent on facebook
* 22 days remaining of age 29

Wanna chat?

This is too good not to share … I am busy working this morning and some complete random skypes me and asks to chat. Generally these peeps are from countries I didn’t realise existed or from Turkey (for some strange reason) so I usually give the big ‘block this person/don’t share your contact details with them.’ This morning I felt a bit risqué so I venture out the big hallo. Turns out that Mr Random is into cage fighting [WTF] and wait for it … used to be a stripper! Told you this was too good not to share:

Mr Random: Hi there! How u doing?
Schmee: Can’t complain. Rather busy but that is nothing new
Mr Random: So what do u like? I mean do for fun?
Schmee: What do I like ... mmm ... lazy Sunday afternoon naps
Mr Random: HELL YES!
Mr Random: I like NHB, addicted to KFC, paintball, strip, read, write, paint, fly
Schmee: NHB? Sorry, you lost me there
Mr Random: NHB - cage fighting
Schmee: Oozzzizzz - cage fighting - sounds hectic. Where do you do it?
Mr Random: Jhb most of the time, but we also have a club in Pta
Schmee: 'Cuse my ignorance but what type of fighting are you doing ... fight club style?
Mr Random: LOL. No it's no holds barred fighting. It’s a sport
Schmee: So it’s kinda like WWF on speed without the acting?

Mr Random: Yes, it's the real deal.
Schmee: So when is a contestant declared the winner of a fight? Do you have a count or a knock out kinda concept?
Mr Random: U can win by knock out, or if the other guy gives up
Schmee: Mmm ... tuff guys crying ... interesting concept. Dunno if I am convinced Mr Random, sounds a little hectic for moi
Schmee: Think I'll stick to good old hockey thanks
Schmee: Take a hockey ball at pace any day
Mr Random: It’s not as bad as it sounds. I have gotten worse injuries as a stripper! [Here we go Jeppe]
Schmee: Oh dude! Are you a 'professional dancer' as well as a cage fighter? [Is this dude for real?]
Schmee: That is hysterical; bet you have some very interesting stories
Mr Random: LOL. I use to do that. But my shows were a bit x-rated!
Schmee: I didn’t realise there was a market for strippers in XXX
Schmee: Or do you come through to Jozi and Pta?
Schmee: And, like, who do you strip for?
Mr Random: I have been in XXX for 3 years, before that I lived in XXX
Mr Random: I do privates, since my shows are a bit rough
Schmee: Oh so you don’t strip anymore? Just when you lived in XXX
Mr Random: Yes
Mr Random: Now I do it on special request only
Schmee: I am picking up what you are putting down [No I don’t really … just keeping the cage fighting stripper happy]
Schmee: I have never had a conversation with a real live stripper [as opposed to a convo with a dead one]

Mr Random: Ex stripper that is

Schmee: My apologies ... ex stripper

Mr Random: So do you have a special request? ;o)
Schmee: Nope I’m all good thanks, I am fully satisfied
Mr Random: You married?
Schmee: That’s a negative
Mr Random: Got a bf?
Schmee: Affirmative ... he is a Cracka
Schmee: Oh look at the time, gotta duck, have a meeting in 2 minutes. Thanks for the chat!

So there you have it kids, there are all sorts of interesting peeps out there on the world wide web … you just need to know where to look.

I carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Schmeezy the sloth

When I was at varsity, the first thing I would do at the beginning of each year was work out how many Friday lectures we had. If I recall correctly, I think we managed to organise our timetable so that Friday lectures were hearsay for all 4 years on campus.

Now that I am a focused, competitive and driven career woman, the first thing I do at the beginning of each year is work out how many long weekends we have. This, of course, includes public holidays which fall on either a Tuesday or Thursday.

This having been said, I cannot help but think that public holidays which fall on a Wednesday are rather like dialog in a porno movie … nice but a waste of time. Taking 2 days of leave at this time of the year is difficult especially with budgets looming.

Nonetheless, we decided to embrace our mini midweek break and maximize the glorious day which Jozi served up. I woke up yesterday without a hangover (a noteworthy event which reinforces the fact that I am indeed getting old and that the night before a public holiday is not solely for bending it at Manhattans) and decided that a picnic at Emmerentia with Cracka and the pigs was the order of the day. That was until I sat on the couch and starting watching the FINA World Championships. Muz and I both woke up about 2 hours later by which time the inevitable Jozi clouds had arrived. With the picnic laughed off, there really was nothing else better to do so we spent the rest of the afternoon intermittently sacking on the couch and watching Inzi play his last international ODI.

I do feel marginally guilty for wasting a whole day but then again … I guess its my human right to be Schmeezy the Sloth!

15 minutes of fame

My 15 minutes of fame came and went this past Fri. I'm still waiting for my agent to call with all the movie offers! Granted, I went as a Flintstone but leopard print is bound to make a comeback soon ... no really it is ... surely? I mean what is wrong with these directors and fashion gurus?

We had Maddoo's 30th and most of Hollywood's finest turned out. The CSI Miami team, Shrek, Charlie’s Angels, Abba, Elvis, Tinton, Captain Jack Sparrow and infamous WWF wrestler Kurt Angle to name but a few.

My publicist sent through some photos he received from those pesky paparazzi … my advice would be to buy the Heat magazine next week … we are sure to feature!

Missing in action

Our national carrier caused me some consternation yesterday morning when I arrived at Richards Bay Airport and my luggage did not. I didn’t realise that SAA was an acronym for "suitcase absent & astray".

C R I S E S.

Let me explain. I am at the mine until Wednesday afternoon in an attempt [read: have my patience tested to breaking point and then some by the socioeconomics of rural Zululand] to finalise an employee empowerment share scheme we have put together. The mine cannot really be deemed to be a destination; it is more like an afterthought. Getting there entails either a 6 hour drive by motor vehicle from Jhb or a flight to Richards Bay with a 2 hour drive thereafter. The mine itself is self contained, employees sleep in converted prefab type homes, there is a pool, a squash court and (naturally) a pub. There is no Woolies food store or shop where one can pick up any form of clothing should one’s luggage fail to arrive from Jozi.

P R O B L E M S.

Thankfully, after a performance worthy of an Oscar at the Richards Bay Airport, the very kind lady located my luggage and promised that they would somehow locate the mine and deliver it to me. I dont think I have ever been so happy to see my bunny slippers and hair dryer before!

February stats

* 2 engagements
* 3 confirmed pregnancies (what is going on here?)
* 1 bunch of flowers from Cracka (indeed a noteworthy event)
* 4 indoor hockey matches
* 2 months remaining of age 29

They grow up so quickly

It was Nugget Smith's first birthday on Saturday which, if what they say is true, makes her seven doggy years old. Cracka was away for the weekend so I went shopping for her to alleviate my boredom. As a result thereof, she became the happy recipient of a new purple collar (all the dogs are wearing them these days), a chew toy and a boredom buster (some bone type effort that the little pigs love). And no, I didn’t wrap them.

Here are some photos of the little girl over the past year:

It's just dawned on me ... I have more photos of my dogs than of anything and anyone else. Thank goodness for Cracka otherwise I might be mistaken for one of those Crazypants Old Ladies!!

Check these bad boys out

Its been a while since I last purchased some trainers so I am most excited about these bad boys. Especially since they are going to be my mode of transport across some 21km of rugged terrain in the middle of July.

Weekend roundup

Booze 3- Schmeezy 0

IamgettingoldandcannotdrinkthewayIusedto. There. I said it. The phrase “I am never drinking that much again” has now been replaced with the above. My glory days of Maritzburg Varsity, Lady Hattons, Crowded House pig nights with my wing men Scottles and Manning, hockey fines meetings and the like, are now a distant (and admittedly) blurry memory.

Weekend synopsis:
Fri - popped into My Grill, My Bar on Friday night after Cracka’s indoor match. Watched a shy office nerd get smashed and lose all her inhibition as well as a posse of 40+ divorcees strut their wares for the lads of Jozi. Drank too much whiskey.
Sat – took the pigs to obedience training and then Cracka to golf. Drank too much wine at Bobby G’s birthday party in the evening.
Sun – went to the Fab Four at the Cresta Barnyard Theatre. Drank too much wine under the auspices of Wanderers Hockey fundraising.

Feeling decidedly toxic this morning ... me’ thinks I should consider a detox for the rest of the month!

How rude

I deplore rude people. I have just taken a phone call where this inane woman dialed the incorrect number. After explaining to her as slowly and concisely as possible that I was indeed not Emily and that perhaps she had inadvertently dialed the wrong number, she had the audacity to put the phone down on me. There was no “thank you, I appear to have made a faux pas and goodbye” forthcoming … it was more like a *clunk* as the receiver was slammed down in my ear.

I ask myself why I get annoyed about occurrences like this. I know that they are going to happen. Just like I know that I am going to be cut off in traffic by the taxi driver who has just driven the last 500m in the emergency lane. Still, it pisses me off. I wonder if it just boils down to a lack of breeding?

Valentines Shmalentines

I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate - but looking for him is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.

Peg-leg

I have finally decided that something needs to be done about my gammy ankles. I have, on numerous occasions, pulled and torn ligaments in both the right & left ankles. It is so bad now that Cracka calls them my ‘cankles’, as in my calves flow directly into my feet.

The reason for this sudden commitment to rehabilitation of the aforementioned body parts is that I have decided to run (read: attempt) the Knysna half marathon in the middle of July. In order to do so, I require the following:

1) new running shoes
2) an increased lung capacity
3) stamina and endurance

4) to register for the event
5) rehabilitated ankles
6) possibly some on those nasty poly shorts (on second thoughts – nottafcuk)

So I moseyed off to the physio last week and the podiatrist this morning and discover that my left leg is 0.5cm longer than my right one. Now when your pins are only about 85cm in length, 0.5cm is something to get excited about. I was informed however that is can apparently create all sorts of problems.

The good news is that I am on the road (excuse the pun) to rehabilitation. The bad news is that I am already R1,078 down and I haven’t even paid for my running shoes yet. Ozzzizzz!

I can see my house from here

I discovered Google Earth on Friday afternoon. Needless to say the rest of my day was a write off. I spend a fair amount of time on the internet yet I find my self asking how is it that I have only discovered this fabulous little bit of technology now.

Once downloaded, Google Earth pulls up satellite imagery, maps, terrain and 3D buildings which allows the user to drill down to literarily a couple of thousand feet above ground.

Its way cool!

January stats

* 2 engagements (no, not mine)
* 1 new baby
* 1 night spent getting smashing with the miners
* 1 weekend spent with the parentals in Maritzburg
* 1 orphaned kilogram given up for adoption
* 3 months remaining of age 29

Emily Spring

Babies babies babies ... it feels like I am surrounded by the little critters. Young Emily Spring arrived earlier than anticipated but with much excitement all around. Yay for me, I get to become a Cool Aunt again!

Cintsa

We were very fortunate to spend the most amazing holiday with the Davidsons at their magnificent home in Cintsa. For those not in the know, Cintsa is a 25 minute drive, Transkei side of East London. 10 days of sheer bliss. It was great just being on holiday. Loads of sleeping, reading, drinking, eating … you get the picture. Now if we could just afford to buy some property there!

What was also great was that I was able to spend quite a bit of time with Ev’s and her hubby Bass. Ev’s is one of my bestys and currently resides in the UK. Team Williams are on a sabbatical at the moment and magically happened to be in the Cintsa area visiting Bass’s parentals at the same time as Muz and I were around.

I am also quite proud to note that I didn’t suffer the tommy tourist error of over doing the sun on Day 1. In fact, I now sport a caramel coat as opposed to my normal gecko white one (it enforces my theory that tanned chubby girl looks much nice than a white one). You realise that you really need to get out more when you get excited about such niceties.

Happy New Beer

I am not a fan of the proverbial New Year’s Eve celebration. Perhaps it’s the forced spontaneity (nice oxymoron there Schmeezy) of the whole event. Nonetheless, I am always amused by 2 things which, without fail, occur on New Year’s Eve.

The first thing is the inevitable boisterous call of the Cracka on the stroke of midnight of “Happy New Beer” whilst I gaze up at him adoringly waiting ever so patiently for the virgin kiss of the new year. He is always so chuffed with himself after that. Bless.

The other thing which amuses me is how complete strangers now feel the need to kiss you and wish you all the best for the forthcoming year. Don’t get me wrong, I am an enormous fan of kissing but I generally prefer it when I get an option in deciding whom I kiss.

Cynic? Me think perhaps so.

Festive season stats

* 3 engagements (no, not mine)
* 1 confirmed pregnancy (no, not mine)
* 3 wedding anniversaries (no, not mine)
* 2 additional orphaned kilograms adopted (mine)

The pressure continues to mount ...

December in a nut shell

December came and went without so much as an utterance from me on my blog. Diabolical indeed. I do however feel that it would be remiss of me not to recant some of the more notable events. Please bear with me on this account; this is more for my alzheimers than for anything else:

1. The Ushering
This is without a doubt one of my favourite events of the calendar year. Held on the first Saturday of December, a group of us get together and proceed to ‘usher’ in the festive season (read: get maggotted under the trees in the warm afternoon sun whilst togged up in an array of festive headgear).

2. Christmas Wine Club
Cracka and I joined his sister and brother-in-law’s wine club during the year in an attempt to become more culturally enlightened about the fabulous wine our country produces (read: get maggotted under the auspices of knowledge enhancement). We hosted the final Wine Club of the year which turned out to be a great success especially since everyone had to dress up as some sort of a Christmas theme. Oh and I tore the ligaments of my right ankle (again) whilst dancing up a storm in the lounge. Doesn’t make for an interesting war story does it?

3. Brett Prece
Much excitement – I unofficially became Cool Aunt Schmee. Mel popped out a little boy on Sunday 17th December.

4. Motor vehicle licensing
Definitely a notable event … I managed to renew the licenses of both our company Isuzu’s in less than 45 minutes.

5. George’s 70th
Cracka’s dad celebrated his 70th birthday in style with a lunch bash at their house in Bedfordview. What was supposed to be an intimate function ended up being a serious patsy as nearly 100 family and friends arrived to make merry with the old codger. Nice one Mr M.

6. Christmas eve
This year marked a change in tradition for the Smiths as we decided to eat ourselves silly on Christmas eve instead of the usual Christmas day. Hugs, Kev and Chrissy pulled in from Maritzburg and the old duck from the UK. I could definitely get used to opening presents a day earlier too!

7. Christmas day
Christmas lunch was spent with the immediate Murray family where we ate and drank yet again.

Looking back at December now, I can concur that is indeed the season to be jolly .. tra la la la la la la la la